Google, if you’re listening: Stop embarrassing yourselves. Stop ruining your own legacy. Stop turning the world’s greatest search engine into a late-night comedy routine.
I used to trust Google. I really did. It was the one place you could go and know—know—that if you asked a question, you’d get an answer that was at least vaguely connected to reality. But now? Now Google feels like that once-brilliant kid in high school who started hanging out with the wrong crowd, got into questionable substances, and suddenly insists the moon landing was faked.
They call it AI Overviews, and it’s supposed to be the future of search. Instead, it’s like giving an over-caffeinated intern the keys to the entire internet and telling them to “just wing it.” First, it confidently suggested that people should eat rocks for health benefits. Yes, rocks. As if Google suddenly developed a side hustle as a medieval apothecary. And if you thought that was bad, it also suggested adding glue to pizza sauce to help the cheese stick better. Absolutely genius—because nothing says “gourmet” like a slice of Elmer’s Original.
And then, because apparently ruining dinner wasn’t enough, it casually implied that suicide was a valid life choice. That wasn’t a glitch. That was a catastrophic, neon-flashing failure of basic human oversight. Google’s AI was so broken, so utterly untethered from common sense, that it was out there dispensing life-threatening advice like some deranged carnival fortune teller.
Google, of course, tried to gaslight us. “Oh, those screenshots are fake,” they insisted. Right. And I suppose all of the absurd AI-generated nonsense flooding the internet was just a shared hallucination? Because if that’s the case, I’d like to request the antidote. The reality was obvious: Google rushed this disaster into the world without a leash, and it immediately started humping people’s legs in public.
And this wasn’t even their first AI disaster. Remember Bard? Google’s grand entrance into the chatbot game? The moment they were supposed to prove that they, the undisputed gods of search, had mastered AI? Yeah. It immediately fumbled its debut by getting a basic fact about the James Webb Space Telescope wrong. The result? A $100 billion stock crash. One incorrect answer, and their valuation took a nosedive like a failed meme stock.
So what exactly happened? How did Google—Google—become this punchline of its own comedy?
I’ll tell you what happened. Eric Schmidt left.
You remember Schmidt, right? The guy who took Google from a quirky little search engine to an all-powerful empire that practically ran the internet? The guy who knew how to balance insane innovation with actual functionality? Yeah, him. He ran the show when Google was busy launching Gmail, Google Maps, Chrome, Android—basically, all the things that made Google a necessity rather than just another tech company.
Under Schmidt, Google didn’t guess—it knew. It didn’t roll out half-baked AI nonsense and hope no one noticed. It built things that worked, things that dominated.
Schmidt wasn’t just some corporate suit. He was the adult supervision Google’s genius-but-impulsive founders desperately needed. While Larry and Sergey were off dreaming up moonshot projects, Schmidt was making sure the trains ran on time. And run they did. Google wasn’t just winning back then—it was crushing everything in its path.
And now? Now it’s run by a bunch of indecisive bureaucrats who seem more interested in not offending anyone than in actually being competent.
This is a company that literally invented the technology behind ChatGPT six years ago and then just… sat on it. Why? Because they were scared. Because they got comfortable. Because the second Schmidt stepped away, the hunger left with him.
Now, Google is reacting instead of leading. It’s scrambling instead of innovating. And in its panic to “catch up” in AI, it’s tossing half-tested garbage into the world and hoping we don’t notice when it tells us to sprinkle our pasta with Gorilla Glue.
This is not the Google I once respected. This is not the company that built the internet as we know it.
And that’s why I’m saying it loud: Bring back Schmidt.
Not for nostalgia. Not because I miss the good old days. Because Google is spiraling and needs someone who actually understands what it takes to win.
Imagine Schmidt walking back into Google’s headquarters tomorrow. Do you think AI Overviews would survive one meeting? Do you think Bard would have been allowed to debut without being perfect? No. Because Schmidt doesn’t do sloppy. He doesn’t do excuses. He does results.
Schmidt wouldn’t let Google be afraid of competition. He wouldn’t let it become a bureaucratic mess of meetings and red tape. He’d grab this company by the collar and say, “Enough. We’re Google. We lead, we don’t fumble.”
Look, I get it. Bringing back a former CEO isn’t a common move. But then again, neither was bringing back Steve Jobs to Apple. And last I checked, that worked out pretty well.
So Google, if you’re listening: Stop embarrassing yourselves. Stop ruining your own legacy. Stop turning the world’s greatest search engine into a late-night comedy routine.
Pick up the phone. Call Eric Schmidt. And beg him to fix this mess before it’s too late.
